Dust to Dust
by DevilsTrill
Summary: *Spoiler Alert* Misato's state of mind after a certain event in episode 21. Please do no read if you have not seen this episode.


**Dust to Dust**

A Kitsune-onna Production

Author's Note and Disclaimer: What can I say about this work? The idea came to me while I was in class one day. I kept at it and I'm very happy with the end product. It contains a major spoiler for episode 21. So if you haven't seen it, please do not read. I love Eva. I usually concentrate on Kenshin fics, but I had to get this idea down. I don't think I could write another Eva fic after this. 

Sadly, any of the characters mentioned herein do not belong to me. I'm just borrowing them for my own amusement and I promise to return them when I'm done. C&C welcome, but flames will be stored to heat my dorm room during the winter. 

And now...on with the angst....

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**Dust to Dust**

_"In my heart of hearts,_

_I know that I can never love again._

_I've lost everything, everything,_

_Everything that matters to me_

_Matters in this world…"_

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He's dead. Kaji's dead. No, I can't think about that. He can't be dead. He was too alive. Oh, God, he's gone! Why is my face wet? Why am I crying if he's still alive? I should go see him. I should tell him I'm sorry for everything. I just want to hold him again.

But I can't hold him, can I? It's impossible to hold one who's gone so far away. My tears flow again and I listen to his message again. He wanted to say goodbye before…

I realize then that he knew what was going to happen to him. Oh God, he knew! That's the part that hurts the most. He wanted me to know that he did care about me, I loved him, but I was too afraid to admit it to him. I couldn't even admit it to myself. Now, it's too late. I had been hurt so many times in the past that I had to protect myself. I did what I had to do.

I'm alone again. Things always end this way. No, I'm not alone. I have Pen-Pen. Pen-Pen has always been there for me.

And I have Shinji. Sweet, caring, loyal Shinji. He's so different from his father. He's so sweet and innocent. Although a bit neurotic also, but that's all right. None of us are perfect. He shouldn't be involved in all of this. It's too late, though. There's no turning back now. 

Too late…too late…Kaji's dead…

I have Asuka here with me too. Her arguments with Shinji are amusing and will keep me distracted. 

I have my work, too. I can't fall apart on them. I have to concentrate on that.

But Kaji is dead.

A can of beer. That's exactly what I need. It's best to drown your sorrows and numb the pain than to have to face the truth.

What is the truth? The truth is Kaji is gone, but it's not my fault. I didn't pull that trigger. I never could have done it. I care for him too much. It was a SEELE agent. It had to be. Who else could it be? Oh God Kaji, why did you have to be so stupid? You knew what was gonna happen! You could have gone on the run! I need you, Kaji! I NEED YOU!

But you're gone now, so you can't come to me. I lay here on the floor feeling all my energy slowly ebbing away. I need sleep, but I can't. Sleep is supposed to be comforting, so I can be with you then, ne? I know if I sleep now, the dreams will come. My dreams terrify me. They are filled with horrible images that my waking mind is able to suppress. So many images.

evaangelsecondimpactnervseeleadamlillithkajilovehatewarpeaceheavenhellshinjilifedeathrebirth

God, help me! Someone, help me! Shinji! Shinji…

I curl up into a ball, my tears my only comfort. I need to sleep. I'll chase the dreams away so I can sleep and be with him again. I'm strong. Maybe if I keep telling myself that, I'll believe it one day. But for now, I'll simply lay here fooling myself. 

After all, Kaji isn't dead…

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_"I wish that I could turn back time,_

_Cause now the guilt is all mine,_

_Can't live without the trust from those you love,_

_I know we can't forget the past,_

_You can't forget love and pride._

_Because of that it's killing me inside…"_

_ _


End file.
